Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
