Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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