...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
