the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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