Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
