Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
