Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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