Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
honey bunches of taint.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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