i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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