ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i think i have two assholes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
