I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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