I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize