dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
