Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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