and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I got inside last night via doggy door
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
