I cockslap morals
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
