Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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