we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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