im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i think i just lost a toe
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
