are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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