you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
