I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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