this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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