i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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