Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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