it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
