Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize