Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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