connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
