You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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