Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
