if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
