3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize