Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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