I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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