I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Mom said you looked used
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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