glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think your dad took our porno
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
