Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
