I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
