also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
