All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
