The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
