My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
