I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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