My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize