I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
