get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
