just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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