he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
