Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize