mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
