I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
