i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
