He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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