If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
