I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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