My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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