never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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