If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
