I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
