please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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