just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
