I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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