What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
